the constant insecurities of a flaying writer

A memory snakes through my cloudy mind of an author I highly respect and admire asking me, “Is it good?”
She was referring to my writing. I’m pretty sure I stared at her, perhaps with my mouth hanging open. I may have said: “Ah, I think…I mean, I’m new at this, I was an English major…” My voice trailed off after a few attempts at answering such a blunt, straight-forward question. And the one thought that ran around my head in circles since this conversation was the daunting question: Am I any good at this writing business?
About a year ago, I had thought I was good. After all, my writing group, mother, and even grandmother had all said so. Why, even when the subject matter wasn’t what they’d prefer (I like writing about sex, after all.) they’d wax lyrical about my sentence structure: “The way you put words together,” dramatic pause, “simply amazes me.” Thank you very much, grandma, I love you too.
Or, “Um, honey…it was a little, how do I say, racy, vulgar, but maybe that’s just because I’m older and from a different generation.” That one’s from my mom. She continues, “the way you write the characters, though—my!”
So, I had thought I was good. (But telling a multi-published, award-winning author I was good, seems slightly pompous.)
Of course, I know my problem areas. Plot seems a foreign concept, often not realizing I even have a plot until after the first draft is written. And grammar errors always feature big in my critiques. Always the bane of my English teacher, I took to using double negatives in my everyday language to irritate her. Ah, the antics of middle children. So, yes, my writing was not perfect, maybe it was even sloppy, especially the first time around.
Did this make me a bad writer? Or just a sloppy first draft writer? Or…something else?
This question made me think, perhaps way too much. But it doesn’t change the way I think about my writing. I sit down at my computer and when I ask myself: am I good? The answer varies. Sometimes I say, “Nope, you suck ass.” Or “Kinda good.” Or “Damn good!”
Whatever answer pops out, I stay seated and keep pounding out those words. Because if I’m not good today, maybe I’ll be good tomorrow.